Be an Imperfect Perfectionist
What is Perfectionism?
Put simply, perfectionism is the tendency to strive for perfection or a flawless level of performance. In practice, this typically means holding extremely high expectations, usually for oneself but sometimes for others as well. Typically, these high standards are impossible to meet and that often can lead to frustration, disappointment, burnout, or even more serious mental health concerns like anxiety and depression.
Since the expectations held are inherently impossible to achieve, the perfectionist is persistently disappointed with their performance. They are particularly prone to harsh criticism of themselves and expect others to be harsh in their evaluations as well. Often, if given positive feedback or recognition, it will be dismissed because the perfectionist knows “it could have been better.” This can wreak havoc on a person’s self-esteem and confidence.
Many times, I work with individuals who have a tendency toward perfectionism but would never call themselves a perfectionist. That is because those high expectations are normal for them. They can’t imagine or haven’t considered it could be any other way.
Are You a Perfectionist?
A few signs that perfectionism might be impacting you:
You set unrealistically high expectations.
You have difficulty completing tasks, often because they don’t meet your standards.
You experience negative self-talk or evaluations of your work and contributions negatively, especially because you know you could have done more/better/etc.
You avoid or procrastinate starting tasks because you fear the outcome or the work will not be good enough.
You work excessively.
You are highly organized.
You are highly detail oriented, sometimes at the expense of a project due to getting bogged down in small details.
You ruminate and worry about making a mistake, even in mundane tasks.
You have difficulty delegating tasks, which can occur at work or at home. For example, do you find yourself needing to re-clean a surface or rearrange the dishwasher after another member of your family does the task, because they “didn’t do it right?”
You tend to be overly controlling of processes (see above).
The Dark Side of Perfectionism
Sometimes striving for perfection can lead to some really great outcomes but there are some legitimate downsides to a rigid adherence to such high expectations. As previously mentioned, constantly striving for an unreachable goal can set you up for disappointment and serious frustration. That can negatively impact your mental health or exacerbate anything you may already be dealing with. It is hard to recognize accomplishments or feel successful when nothing ever seems quite good enough.
Another drawback to aiming for perfection is avoiding taking risks because the fear of failure is too strong. This might mean missing out on opportunities that could be fun, lucrative, or rewarding simply because success isn’t guaranteed. It can hold you back from trying new things, meeting new people, or gaining a new skill.
In addition, consider the time and energy that is lost aiming for the impossible. You might spend excessive time spinning your wheels on a problem or making plans that never get put into action. Sometimes, you might finally put a “perfectly” crafted plan into action only to hit an unforeseen roadblock or feel unsatisfied. Then all that time that went into it becomes time and energy that could have been spent iterating or pivoting to a new plan.
How to Combat Perfectionistic Tendencies
Set realistic goals
A major feature of perfectionism is setting unattainable goals. Learning to set more realistic goals can help you to set yourself up for success. Consider limitations and be thoughtful about what is achievable given whatever constraints you have. It is okay to make challenging goals.
If you find yourself having trouble even getting started toward a goal, break a larger goal down into smaller steps. That can help you identify your progress as well as see how much is left to complete. Don’t forget: celebrate all the small victories along the way!
Embrace imperfection
Be imperfect on purpose. Intentionally doing something imperfect can help get you comfortable with the idea of incomplete or messy outcomes. Start small. For example, you might decide to leave a task unfinished or write a note in pen, embracing crossed out sections and restarts.
As someone who struggles with perfectionism, you may find yourself struggling to get started on a task because you haven’t yet figured out how to get it just right. Instead of waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect plan, take an imperfect action. Start where you are, with what you have, and take small steps towards your goals. Recognize that progress, even imperfect progress, is better than no progress at all.
Practice self-compassion
As you build awareness of your perfectionistic tendencies, it can be easy to find yourself in a critical headspace. Being hard on yourself is already part and parcel of being a perfectionist, after all. So aim to practice self-compassion by challenging yourself to change that inner script. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Try speaking to yourself as though you are your own best friend.
Shift your mindset
It is important to recognize that striving for perfection is actually counterproductive in many instances. If you are setting impossibly high standards for yourself, or fearful that whatever you do won’t be good enough, you may never even get started. Perfectionism can actually fuel procrastination, which leads to a lack of productivity anyway. Instead of focusing on perfection, aim for excellence or progress. Recognize that mistakes and failures are a natural part of the learning process and that they can actually help you grow and improve.
Break the Cycle
Perfectionism can be habitual and so ingrained, it is hard to even recognize that you are doing it. The first step is building awareness of the role it plays in your life and how it may hold you back or cause undue stress. If you struggle to notice when this occurs, it can be helpful to get feedback from trusted friends or even from a mental health professional. If you’d like to explore and tackle these tendencies issues with a professional, I can help. Contact me here to see if we might be a good fit.
Summary/TL;DR
If you find yourself constantly striving for perfection, it's time to embrace imperfection. Perfectionism can lead to anxiety, disappointment, and missed opportunities. Start by setting realistic goals and practicing self-compassion. Allow yourself to take imperfect actions and recognize that progress is more important than perfection. Don’t let the fear of failure hold you back from pursuing new experiences and opportunities. Consider reaching out for support if you struggle to break these patterns on your own; you deserve to live a fulfilled and less stressful life.
