Are you mad at me?

You ask this often. Maybe it is out loud to another person, maybe it's just a question in your mind. 

You are probably offered some reassurance either explicitly or implicitly and still you ask: 

But are you sure? 

It is not uncommon for many people struggling with anxiety or other mental health concerns to fret about whether or not a friend (or colleague…or partner…or the mail person) is mad at them. 

As human beings, we want to be liked by others and belong to a group. It is a natural tendency for us as social creatures. Evolutionarily, it provided safety and security to belong to and be accepted by a group. That means our threat detection systems are particularly attuned to identify rejection-related dangers. Unfortunately, individuals with anxiety usually have a heightened sensitivity for these types of threats and could spiral into distress from assuming the worst more quickly.

Why Does This Happen and What Can You Do About It? 

One reason for this tendency is a cognitive distortion called personalization. Cognitive distortions are basically thought traps. They are patterns of irrational thinking that make us see the world more negatively and can cause us to feel pretty significant distress. Certainly, other cognitive distortions contribute to this tendency as well, such as jumping to conclusions or catastrophizing, but personalization is often front and center.  

Personalization

Personalization is a distortion that essentially leads to us taking blame for situations that we didn’t have control over or interpreting the words and actions of others as personal attacks. An example might be going out to dinner with a friend who doesn’t enjoy the meal they’ve ordered. Even though you didn’t suggest the restaurant or cook the food - you somehow experience their frustration as something you should have been able to prevent or fix. You find yourself apologizing and feeling a bit guilty about the whole thing. You worry the friend might be mad at you. 

Another common example of personalization occurs when a colleague passes you in the hallway with a grumpy look on their face. You might say hello and they ignore you. You start to ruminate about them being mad at you. You probably wrack your brain to retrace your recent interactions with them to figure out what you might have done to deserve that snub. It is likely that you then try to find a reason to seek that person out or pop by their desk to assess further. You might ask directly if everything is okay or you might wait for more context clues to reassure yourself about how they are feeling towards you. 

Neutral Stimuli

People with anxiety also tend to struggle with neutral stimuli. Basically, if it isn’t overtly positive, it must be bad. A facial expression or text message that may be objectively neutral becomes fodder for rumination about what it means. Receiving a text response that simply says “okay” is incredibly alarming. It must mean the person is disgusted with your suggestion or previous comment. A non-smiling face during a conversation equates to catastrophic assumptions about the downfall of the friendship. 

Constantly assuming other people are mad at us is incredibly distressing. It can be associated with rumination and dissatisfaction in relationships, which can even lead to worsening anxiety or depression. 

Moreover, when we are persistently worried that others are mad, we are likely to try to get them to reassure us that they, in fact, are not mad at us. This can be problematic for our relationships. When you ask this over and over it can erode trust and exhaust the other person that has to repeatedly explain themselves to you. 

So What Can You Do About It?

Build Self-Awareness

With many patterns of behavior you want to change or address, the first step is building awareness. If you aren’t sure when it is happening, it is really hard to make any adjustments. Improving your awareness can happen through practicing mindfulness, journaling, or even through conversations with a therapist, (including me). 

Practice Defusion

Once you recognize these thought patterns has unhelpful, you can work to defuse from them. Defusion is a way of distancing yourself from your thoughts. Instead of getting caught up in your thoughts, you simply observe them. While there are many ways to practice defusion, one strategy might be to imagine your thoughts are like passengers in a car. The passengers might be trying to influence you to go in many different directions but you are at the helm, calling the shots. You hear the noise but you don’t have to necessarily do anything about it. This space, in and of itself, can provide some relief from the negative thoughts. 

Engage in Self-Compassion

Instead of blaming yourself for every little thing, you can start to practice self-compassion. Cultivating compassion for yourself means shifting your self-talk from blaming and critical to empathic and supportive. If you have trouble imagining what this looks like, consider how you’d speak to your best friend or a small child when they are upset. 

Consider the Alternatives

When you find yourself in a situation where you are interpreting some interaction as negatively tinged - try to find a way to insert a pause. Take a breath and figure out what conclusions your mind is jumping toward. Try to force yourself to consider alternative explanations for the interaction. Perhaps your colleague ignored you in the hallway because they didn’t actually hear you. Or maybe they were distracted by nerves about an upcoming presentation. The point is - there is a high likelihood the interaction was not personal. Give your mind a moment to acknowledge that. 

Take a Step Back

If you can, sit with the distress of not overly seeking reassurance. Using the above strategies can help with that. Remember, you are not responsible for the emotions of others. So even in the instance where someone is upset about something you did or said - it is up to them to express that. You can ask if all is well and if they affirm that indeed it is - there is typically no need to question them further. Respect their response and save yourself the time and energy by not asking again and again. 

Get Support

It is incredibly distressing to think people are mad at you all the time. Not to mention the mental and emotional toll it can take on you and your relationships. If you are someone who has this tendency, please know you are not alone! I explore these situations over and over in my practice and as a person who has experienced anxiety myself - I know how it feels to ruminate about your relationships. It sucks and it takes work to overcome. Please don’t be afraid to reach out for professional help if you are struggling. Silence that inner critic. 

Summary/TL;DR

If you often assume others are upset with you, it could be anxiety-driven personalization. This cognitive distortion leads to unnecessary distress and relationship strain. By building awareness, practicing defusion, and considering alternative explanations, you can reduce these anxious thoughts. Cultivating self-compassion and stepping back from seeking constant reassurance will help you manage this pattern more effectively.