People Pleasing: An Overview and 6 Tips for Stopping
What is People Pleasing?
People pleasing is a strong desire to make people around you happy; often, at the expense of your own needs or desires. Many times this means being overly accommodating to those around you. It is a tendency to give in or avoid stating your preferences or opinions to prioritize what someone else might want or need. Sometimes, this may even be a presumption. For example, you might presume that someone has a preference for something; therefore, you don’t speak up about your own, when in reality the other person may not have that preference at all! People pleasing is often the result of an attempt to maintain peace or avoid conflict. It is also important to note that people pleasing is not just being kind or friendly. It is giving in or saying yes in situations in order to avoid the discomfort or conflict.
What Does People Pleasing Look Like?
Many times, people pleasing can look like indecisiveness or being wishy-washy. If you are so focused on making sure someone else has a good time, it is highly unlikely that you would be willing to offer a suggestion or idea, even if you have a preference in your mind.
Reassurance seeking is another behavior that goes along with a tendency toward people pleasing. You might find yourself needing to hear over and over that the option or outcome is okay or approved.
Other examples might be:
Running errands or doing favors for people when you don’t really want to nor have the time and energy to do so
Not sharing an opinion or belief because it is counter to what is currently being presented
Making commitments that are outside of your scope of work or that take up inordinate amounts of time
Feeling taken advantage of by the people around you
Why Do Individuals Engage in People Pleasing?
There could be many reasons for someone to engage in people pleasing behaviors. One reason, mentioned above, is to avoid potential conflict. If you are someone who is uncomfortable with conflict and confrontation, you might want to do anything you can to make sure there is no reason for it in the first place.
Some individuals might also worry that not pleasing people could lead to being dismissed, left out, thought poorly of, or rejected in general. Those fears would certainly make it difficult to go against what you think is expected or desired of you. For others, it might be a learned behavior that became ingrained from cultural, familial, or sometimes traumatic experiences.
Oftentimes, people pleasing is the result of a lack of confidence. An individual may not feel confident they will be accepted and liked by others unless they make attempts to please them. It can be a way of trying to fit in; essentially, going along to get along.
The Down Side of People Pleasing
Wanting everyone to be happy and have a good time can’t be all that bad, right? Well, sure it is nice to want to be caring and considerate toward others; however, as mentioned earlier, people pleasing is different than just being considerate.
Individuals who engage in persistent people pleasing tend to turn towards accommodation as their go-to strategy for managing a potential conflict. People pleasers are generally pretty averse to tension and conflict of any kind, so this seems to make sense. In order to avoid a conflict or confrontation, just give in to what the other person prefers and suck it up for yourself. On the surface and in the short term, this may actually reduce some interpersonal tension; however, in the long run this tends to backfire. People pleasers who are chronically prioritizing the needs of others can end up feeling resentful and angry toward the people around them. This can result in further avoidance of the person, passive-aggressive communication, or a lashing out of pent up frustration in unexpected moments. All of this can have disastrous effects on the relationship. Then, the ultimate fear of a people pleaser - the disruption of a relationship - can actually end up happening.
In addition to disrupted interpersonal relationships, people pleasers can end up with some pretty negative personal experiences. Constantly stifling one’s own needs, desires, and preferences can feel pretty crummy. That can foster negative feelings toward yourself and contribute to low self-esteem. It can even have the impact of teaching ourselves that we shouldn’t worry about what we want or need and allows us to put even less effort into taking care of ourselves.
6 Strategies to Reduce People Pleasing
Identify when it is happening: Sometimes it can be difficult to recognize when a behavior you are doing is the result of people pleasing. If you struggle to identify when it is happening, take some time for self-reflection through journaling or mindfulness. Try to get in touch with your emotions and rationale for your behaviors. It can sometimes be difficult to do this on your own and if that is the case - ask for feedback from people you trust.
Bring in support: Use your trusted support system to help you practice. Find 1-2 friends you can enlist to help you curb this behavior. They can not only help you identify when it is happening, but they can also help you practice new scripts or ways of communicating your thoughts, feelings, and needs to others.
Practice saying no: No is a full sentence. Seriously. It is okay to say no to something without an excuse or “good reason.” If you don’t want to go to the movies on Saturday night with friends, politely decline. For example, you might say: “Thanks for the invitation but I’m going to pass this time.”
When saying no, try not to over-explain: When there is a tendency to engage in people pleasing, it can feel better or easier to say no when you offer a lengthy rationale as to why you are saying no. That can actually weaken your position and show that you aren’t very confident in the “no.” You can be polite while setting a boundary without having to explain away your rationale for setting one.
Give yourself permission to disappoint: One reason behind people pleasing for many individuals is an intense fear of letting others down. The idea of disappointing others is unbearable. Often this is misguided - either because the other person won’t actually be disappointed, or if they are, it isn’t as impactful as you fear. The fear might be rejection or the loss of a friendship, yet that rarely occurs when boundaries are set respectfully and mindfully with people who are also willing to respect you.
Get professional help: Building awareness of these patterns and trying to implement new strategies can be difficult. Getting support from a professional therapist or counselor can be incredibly helpful. Don’t be afraid to reach out if you want some extra support.
Keep in mind, this is just an overview and these are only a few ways these patterns can impact someone’s life and relationships. If you are interested in exploring more about how people pleasing impacts you and your relationships as well as ways you can navigate it more effectively, let me know.
Summary/TL;DR
You may find yourself saying "yes" too often, prioritizing others over your own needs. This people pleasing can lead to resentment, low self-esteem, and strained relationships. To stop this cycle, start by identifying when you're people pleasing, practice saying "no," and give yourself permission to disappoint others occasionally. Involve trusted friends for support and consider seeking professional help if needed. You deserve to prioritize your own happiness and well-being!
